Practicing Rebirthing Kindness in Love even during Conflict 

Love is easy when things are going well. When things are new and you are still in the period of getting to know each other, everything the other person says and does is cute. Flirtation is high and any flaws are effortlessly overlooked. Being apart hurts and you long to be back next to him or her. But after some time passes and the two of you get to know each other even better and spend hours and days side-by-side, misunderstandings are not so adorable anymore. When you start to get back to the basics of your regular life and time together shortens, that’s when the real test begins and the need for kindness emerges in full form.

As you’ve read in some of my other posts, the journey of seeking the kindness of rebirth doesn’t entail running from the conflict that leads to understanding. It doesn’t mean that we need to act in avoidance pretending that everything is okay when it isn’t. Homing in on the skills that keep you grounded and that allow you to continue to practice compassion is significant as we seek to not let our egos take control. For our egos take us to sadness and unhappiness because its hunger for attention and its pride is compelling and formidable. When you are in a relationship, this is a ride for two people, so we may need to acquire the type of humility that continues to transform positively even when facing disagreements and unhealthy conflicts.

So, for those of us who have been in this place before and suffered at the hands of this type of egotistical syndrome, let’s take some steps to reground ourselves with patience before we begin to fly off the handle. After all, “kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see” (Mark Twain). Let’s consider the importance of protecting the connection and the union formed before we attend to our personal well-being.

Take Pause

As tension surfaces, our natural instinct jumps into survival mode or in a defensive stance. But kindness doesn’t live in the reaction; kindness lives in the patience of a pause. Utilize that small amount of time between speaking to get your point across and just staying quiet to reflect. Mull over, am I trying to “win” or am I trying to relate through understanding?

Just Listen

To reiterate the point above. Just listen. Listen to your partner; listen to your inner voice once the anger and frustration have lost some of its steam. Learn validation. Everyone has a perspective and everyone has a view. The ego tells you your way is right but wisdom tells you “Despite what you have heard, there are many sides to a coin”. Care enough to see someone else’s side of things.

Honesty is Calmness of the Spirit

Being honest does not have to entail hiding who you truly are or that your ego even exists (ego is a very touchy thing I definitely plan to discuss in later posts). But let the honesty persist and persevere with care. The hardest things don’t have to be said harshly. Stand firm but be supportive and reassuring. Sometimes, what is said comes down to tone and quality. Walls are obstacles to communication. Build them somewhere else.

Emotional Restraint

I think you know what comes here, I mean, what I am about to say. Don’t let your emotions get the better of you. Watch your balance. I think it is perfectly fine and definitely natural here, in these types of situations to feel emotions, but watch them with fastidious eyes. Self-awareness is a critical feature. Emotions evoke many reactions, anger included. We want rebirths to result in kindness, so find peace over impulse.

Keep Working - We are in this Together

Try hard in the middle of conflict to remember, your goals are the same – to find happiness through conflict to rebuild and refocus and remain. Exclude the “you versus me” ideology. The “re” in rebirth means “again”. So, focus your thoughts on that continual opportunity to do this again together as many times as it takes. And if you forget, remember that “we” rhymes with “re” (smile).

Forgiveness and Connection

It’s a painful process, but love is defined and sculpted by how well you can repair it. Think how well life can be when you choose love over anger and resentment. Kindness and rebirthing love in a relationship are muscles inside your heart. It only strengthens when you use it with intention. Every time you choose to empathize over fanning waves of anger, every time you suspend negative reaction before reacting, every time you speak of love even when you’re hurting — you’re creating a kind rebirth, the kind of rebirth that reconditions your relationship.

I looked this up. Scoring is for athletic competitions, buying illegal drugs, and musical compositions. I didn’t see one thing related to keeping scores in relationships. So, growth over pride all day, every day. In keeping with the athletic analogy, when you both connect to this rebirth of understanding, you both score. To reach just a little bit further – you both win because you’re both on the same team.

Stay mindful…

Rebirth