When You Forgive…But Don’t Forget

When we are talking about forgiving people, we speak as if the action itself will erase the past. We all know that it doesn’t, however. We would like the memory to vanish completely as if it never happened having that weight disappear. That’s all in an imaginary land, unfortunately. It never happens that way.

Sometimes, even when we take a noble stand and forgive someone who has wronged us, for you, the memory persists. It stays exactly where it was left – usually in your lap. Everything stays in place: the tone of the moment, the shift of feeling in how everything transpired, how it landed, and how it altered the that sense of peace that you may have once had. None of this will automatically reset simply because we’ve decided to release whatever toxic acts that they had done to you.

Forgivingness, in its less actionable state, is less about the deletion and more about our ability to loosen our grips on carrying the misdeeds inside us. With forgiveness, as I am sure you all are very aware of, involves the decision not to carry that moment with you forever and certainly not with the same intensity or tension. Its goal is to not keep replaying the same hurtful events of our past over and over again looking for a different result. This does not mean we have accepted the past as something acceptable. Rather, it is a statement that you are no longer present in that moment asking it to change. In other words, while the memory will linger on, how you define it in your life (your relationship with it) changes.

There is a special kind of awareness present that allows for both of these things to exist at one time: the “I forgive you” and the “I remember what you did to me.” This, while appearing almost contradictory, reveals a deeper, more profound truth.

Consider this…forgetting isn’t the real goal. Remembering clearly seems more appropriate. This keeps us from being pulled back into the same emotionally charged situation we are releasing. I think that it may be a kinder way to approach forgiveness and how it transforms over the course of time. But don’t be fooled. This is not easy. It never is. But with practice, with patience, and with compassion, this Kind Rebirth will manifest itself positively within you.

Stay mindful….

Rebirth