You Don't Have to Attend Every Argument Your Mind Invites You To

Some of the longest and most intense arguments I had weren’t with someone else. I mean, yeah, I’ve had some pretty hard-fought debates with friends and others who I don’t know in order to make my point, but despite those, the one person I’ve had the most heated debates with have been with myself. Does this happen to you? For me, I replay conversations over and over again in my head long after the moment has passed. Or sometimes I imagine confrontations that have never taken place. Other times I find myself defending myself against comments that were never made or in effort to prepare for questions no one asked in conversations that I have never had. And before we know it, we are invested in an exchange of emotional energy that exist only in our imagination. So how do we get here?

Our minds are exceptionally good at story creation. And they are even better when unanswered questions are involved. Our minds are bent on finding certainty, so it is always seeking to fill in the blanks. For example, when facts or truths are absent, it begins to write a script, placing motives, and then predict outcomes. What’s even more fantastic (fantastic in an amazing sort of way) is it has the ability to create conversations as though they have already taken place. And they feel incredibly real, however, as stated, they are built on assumptions and not facts. When we are aware, we are not asked to stop ourselves from thinking. That would be madness. But it does ask us to notice what we are thinking about.

There is a meaningful difference between us preparing for a conversation with someone else and from mentally living inside of a space for a conversation that hasn’t happened. The former certainly helps us communicate our intentions with greater accuracy and more understanding. The latter, however, can leave us anxious or frustrated or just plain emotionally tired. It probably in many cases leaves us worse off than before because we still don’t arrive at the place we would prefer.

Consider the next time you catch yourself replaying or rehearsing an imaginary argument that may happen, try taking a moment to pause. Then ask yourself a couple of quick questions: Is this conversation actually happening? Or is this conversation only happening in my head? These simple questions can interrupt that cycle and help return you to the present moment. Remember not every thought deserves your complete attention. To add, not every conflict created in your mind deserves your active participation. And maybe the wisest thing to do is to respectfully turn down any invitation to do so.

Stay mindful…

Rebirth