Lessen Your Attachments to Pain - Learn to Forgive Yourself

Sometimes we hurt people. We come into their lives and cause pain and discomfort. We uproot their stability by coming in and bringing our baggage and insecurities into their lives which in turn can cause them a certain level of stress and unhappiness. Sometimes we hurt them worse than that and deeper than we imagine. But then again on the other hand, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we aren’t as significant as we think. Sometimes the pain we “think” we cause outweighs and out measures the actual damage that we’ve done. Within our egos we convince ourselves that we are so meaningful, we are so important, we are so impactful that our conduct causes ripples in the stratosphere, in time and through space. We think our actions are compelling and strong enough to cripple another’s well-being, when sometimes we are not. Sometimes, we just aren’t that important…. 😊

That said, all the times I have hurt someone, I feel it profoundly. The thought of my actions and the thoughts of the influence haunt me. It’s something that weighs down on my heart and on my conscience. And then it alters not only my well-being, but it starts to make my self-worth diminish, about how I feel about myself. I mean, really, who wants to hurt someone and have to carry that pain with them? I don’t want anyone to feel bad about something I’ve done to them. Probably a bit on the dramatic side, but this is how my mind works. This is what my mind sees. It’s extra baggage. It’s an unneeded load, like carrying a 50-pound weight uphill rather than a 10-pound dumbbell across a flat terrain. And often, we carry a load that is unsustainable, ones that we need to learn to forgive ourselves from in order to release it. It is an attachment that we need to make peace with in order to let go.

This post isn’t about not holding yourself accountable for your actions or for any misdeeds you have imparted. If it is appropriate then, yes, you need to atone. Be ready to own your actions and prepared to do what you can to undo or repay for your offense.  You should make good through reparation and good deed. You should consider bringing your transgression to light but then to learn to forgive yourself and rebirth your thoughts. Your shortcomings are not what define you. Your ability to mend and make peace is what characterizes you. I have fallen victim to this too many times and on too many occasions. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself first. And then, second, you must learn to let go.

Letting go isn’t easy. It requires learning to come face-to-face with your own demons. You have to learn that from time-to-time we make bad decisions, irrational decisions, and the types of decisions that are just plain born from self-interest and self-motivation. We are human and we must forgive ourselves for making human mistakes. This used to eat me up inside, but then one day in studies, I read this story...maybe you’ve heard it before. If so, I hope it serves as a reminder. If you have, maybe it will help you further cultivate the type of mindset that helps you sort through delusion mindfully and with self-forgiveness.

One day there were 2 monks, the elder and his pupil, walking along the shore of a river. Realizing they would have to cross the river to get to their destination, they remarked on the perilous path they faced.  As they approached what may have been the easiest point of passage, they noticed a woman sitting on a rock crying. They walked up to her and asked her what troubled her so much that she was sitting there alone in tears. She let them know that she was desperate to get across but in every attempt the river’s waves pummeled her over and she was unable to traverse the water on her own. Immediately the elder spoke and said, “Have no fear, my dear soul, I will help you cross the river.”  So, he proceeded to pick her up, placing her on his back and the three travelers crossed the tumultuous and uneasy river successfully. As their feet hit the other side of the shore, the elder placed the woman on the ground. He folded his hands and bowed in front of her as a sign of respect. After profusely thanking him, the woman went on her way. The Elder calmly said, “No, kind soul, thank you for the lesson.” She didn’t understand why he thanked her and the two monks went their way in the opposite direction.

As the two monks resumed the journey to the city, silence ensued as both continued their walking meditation. This seemed odd to the elder as they would routinely have in-depth discussions on life and their studies where he offered thoughts and words of wisdom and lesson to the eager young monk. But those teachings had abruptly ceased after crossing the river. When they arrived at the city gates, the young monk, almost disjointed with agitation, snapped at his teacher asking, “Elder, you know we have strict instructions regarding women. We have made vows not to touch women for any reason. How could you have so carelessly discarded our obligations to our commitment?” The elder looked at the young monk with compassion and smiled. He responded, “Young student, I let go of that woman on the side of the shore the moment we crossed. Why do you continue to hold on to her this many miles away?”

The Elder’s message was simple. Learn to let go of the things that haunt you. Reverse misfortune and unhappiness done to yourself and that which was done to others around you and allow them to work for you and not against you. Live here and in the now realizing you can change. Let these rebirths be your goal.

Stay mindful…

Rebirths